Ready, Aim, and....MISS?!

In preparation for my new job, I have to get a series of things done including fingerprinting, a physical, and a drug screening. Thus far, it's been a pretty exciting experience getting everything I need together to start working in the public schools. I felt so official getting fingerprinted and molested by the doctors! However, when it came to my drug screening...that was a different story. On Friday, I went to an occupational health center to get my physical exam done and to get tested for drugs or the lack thereof. I knew that the drug screening would involve me having to pee, so in preparation for the procedure I drank water all day. By the time I had to take my drug test I was nice and full of water! The doctor kept asking me if I was sure that I had enough water in me to go to the bathroom, or if I needed to drink some more. I reassured her time and time again that I was a faucet just waiting to be turned on. The moment came for me to pee in the cup for the doctor and I was both excited and relieved because I had been holding in the pee for a while. The doctor drew a line on the cup and said,

"...Pee up to this line...,"

At which point I jokingly retorted,

"...You might have to give me two cups cause I have alot of pee to give!"

I went into the bathroom and I stooped over the toilet bowl to pee into the cup like the champ that I was. I placed the cup under me and started to pee...when I was done, I looked into the cup to see just how much water I was holding in all day, and what do I see?! NO PEE! WHAT?!!!! Where did the pee go?!!! As it turns out, I completely missed the cup...! How in the world does that happen, you ask?! Well, I don't know either! All I know is that I missed the cup! I came out of the bathroom with the cup in my hand and the doctor had a bewildered look on her face,

"WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?!"

She asked. I told her I missed the cup. She responded,

"...Giselle, how do you miss the cup?! Not even a drip made it in here!"

I told the doctor that I'd come back Monday and try it again, but she said that once you start a drug test you aren't permitted to leave until you give them your pee. I was shocked and upset! This meant that I'd have to drink more water and sit in the health center until I could pee again. To make a long story short, it took me 5 bottles of water, 2 hours, and 2 more tries before I finally got the pee into the cup. The second time I tried to pee, I think I got stage fright cause nothing wanted to come out, even after drinking all that water. The third time, I was so paranoid that I'd miss that it took me 10 minutes just to pee into the cup to make sure that I got it in there! I was so grateful when I finally got it in! Goodness gracious what a process that was! I think I understand now what men go through in peeing on floors and toilet seats. Although they have the proper "hosery," aiming is not as easy as it looks!